A Preface: This is a sequel to COPS: The Leibniz Assassination, a short film made by Adam Santangelo and James Schultz (with help from me) in 1995. The original intent of the script you are about to read was for me to make up as many scenes as possible, and for Adam and James to do likewise. We would then film every thing, and edit out any thing not funny. As this has not happened, and probably will not ever do so, the form that exists before you has many scenes that are not funny, very visual, or centred around my own character. This is far from complete, but this is as close to complete as it may ever come. This was written in 2003, to the best of my memory.
back to the Vault main menu
Old brook stands against a plain background, he is fat, bald, grey.
Old brook: Hi. My name’s brook Newton, star of COPS: The Leebniz Assassination. In 1995, seven years ago to the year, COPS hit screens, to the delight of students and math-fans every where. Already, we’ve seen the enduring popularity of the film, as one generation tells the next, ‘this is what I watched in Calculus class’. And of course, The Leebniz Assassination launched the careers of Adam Santangelo and James Schultz. I have also benefitted from the success of this film, and have just now returned from filming three back-to-back TV specials.
Well, to-night we have a special treat. During filming in 1995, a documentary was produced, which was originally meant to be aired on television a few weeks before the movie released. Unfortunately, due to legal considerations, the documentary was never seen. Now, for the first time, I am proud to present the unreleased documentary. I hope you enjoy it, and here’s to another seven years.
A card saying the title:
A Behind the Scenes Look at the Math Day Parade: A Documentary on the Making of COPS: the Leibniz Assassination
Camera goes up to a door with a star on it. Under the star it says BROOK NEWTON, with a rather crudely crossed-out B, and a b drawn diagonally above it, on the actual door.
brook opens the door, looks out. He is wearing light blue jeans, purple T-shirt. He has a faint goatee, round glasses, and parted hair.
brook: Oh hey, you guys are here for the nude shoot, eh? Well, come on in. It’ll take me a second to get undressed, and you know, this’ll have to be quick because I have to be on-set for Leebniz soon…what? oh, you’re here doing a Documentary on the Leebniz-thing? Well, I knew that…no, I was just joking. You know, just a joke. You didn’t see any one else come in, did you?…No, I told you that was a joke. Let’s get to the set.
Shows Adam sitting at a desk, facing the camera. Along the bottom of the frame, it says Adam Santangelo, Director. Adam is wearing blue jeans, a white T, a blue shirt over top, and a Punisher cap.
Adam: So we’re just about to start the second day of shooting, here. First off, we’re going to have to do a pick-up of a scene we shot yesterday; I wasn’t entirely happy with the result. That should be quick.
brook stands before the bathroom sink. We can see Adam with his camera pointing at brook.
Adam: Ready, and…action!
brook turns on the water, and begins to rubs his hands under the faucet.
brook: Leebniz discovered the fundamental principles of infintessimal Calculus in 1675. His system was published in 1684…
brook turns off the tap
brook: …and his method of notation was universally accepted.
brook wipes his hands on his pants, then dries them on the towel.
brook: Leebniz had some unique opinions—
Adam: Cut! brook, you’re doing it again.
brook: What, no I didn’t.
Adam: brook, I saw you, you wiped your hands on your pants before using the towel.
brook: Adam, look, I guess you know what you’re talking about when you said I did it in every shot yesterday, but believe me when I tell you, I didn’t do it to-day. You told me not to do it, so I made sure I didn’t.
Adam: Look, brook, we’re going to have to do it again, please, just don’t do it this time.
brook: Adam, geez, I mean, I know what I did and did not do, man. I can tell you, without a doubt, I did NOT wipe my hands on my pants. Maybe, you know, maybe it looked like I did. Maybe I sort of started to bring them over to my pants, like this, you know, but I didn’t wipe them. If you want to re-shoot it because it LOOKED like I did, even though I didn’t, well, that’s fine, let’s re-shoot it, then.
Adam: brook, I can show you the film, right now. I can show you what we just taped, you with your hands being wiped on your pants. Do you want to see the film?
brook: No, I don’t want to see the film, because I don’t NEED to see the film. I don’t know what it looked like, but I can see myself in the mirror, here. I can see. It’s my own hands, my own pants, so I know what I did or didn’t do with them.
Adam: That’s exactly right. It was your hands and your pants, and that’s why we have to re-shoot it.
brook: No, I mean it was my pants, that didn’t get wiped on, that’s what I mean. I didn’t say the that didn’t get wiped on bit, because I thought that was understood.
Adam: Look, let’s just take it again from the top, okay? We have a lot of shots to get through to-day, and I’d like to get onto them soon.
brook: Oh, so it DID look like I wiped my pants, even though I didn’t? Okay, let’s re-do it. I have no problem with that.
Adam: Right, okay, from the top, then.
brook goes back to being in front of the sink. Adam goes back behind the counter.
Adam: Do you want to blow-dry your pants before we shoot this next one? That way it doesn’t look like you’ve wiped your hands on your pants.
brook: No, we don’t need to do that. If it looks like I wiped my hands on my pants, that’s just the style.
Adam: Okay, ready, and…action!
brook: Leebniz discovered the fundamental principles of infintessimal Calculus in 1675. His system was published in 1684…
brook turns off the tap
brook: …and his method of notation was universally accepted.
brook’s hands go toward his pants, but he stops them half-way. They sort of hover there for a moment.
brook: Uhm…Leebniz had…about the Universe.
brook wipes his hands mechanically on the towel.
brook: Leebniz had some monads…
brook sitting against a plain background. At bottom of screen it says BROOK NEWTON, Actor
brook: It’s clear to me that they brought me on as star power. I mean, I’ve run the gamut. I’m no stranger to this sort of education-based film, and I’ve quite an extensive repertoire. Just before this, I was on Broadway starring in La Sorbonne. Well, not so much ‘Broadway’, really, but only because there were no songs in it. You know, I’m excited to be doing film again. One of the advantages with film as opposed to live theatre is that you don’t need to memorise as much at a time. You just need to know what’s being said in the one or two scenes you’re doing each day. And I think that fact will improve my performance immeasurably.
Adam sitting against a plain background.
Adam: I was under the impression that he was a very professional actor. He’d been a part of a lot of good films in the genre, and I’d been told he was good to work with. I guess my first clue should have been first day of shooting, when we were doing the bathtub scene. He kept insisting that the shot was funnier if it was full-frontal nudity. Finally, I convinced him no body wanted to see his cock.
Camera goes into backyard, with Adam frantic in centre, and brook sitting coolly off to the side. brook waves and sticks out his tongue when he sees the camera crew. Adam, who is pacing on a cellphone, turns and sees the camera.
Adam: Aw, shit. Well, here we go, as you can see, there is no snow.
brook: You know, I don’t really understand what the point of the snow was, any way. I mean, what does it matter if it’s winter?
Adam: Dammit, I don’t have time for this. (to the phone) Yes, this is Adam Santangelo, we need snow sent to the location shoot, right away.
brook (to camera): I told him last night that it was getting warmer, but I don’t really see what the big snow thing was all about, any way.
Adam (to phone): What do you mean, ‘to-night’? I need this snow now, I’ve got a production waiting for this snow!
brook is practising lines
brook: I drive through Syracuse some times on my way to New York…
Adam: All right.
brook: Leebniz was born in Leebzig…
Adam: All right.
Adam hangs up the phone.
Adam: They can’t be here until about 6 to-night.
brook: Won’t it be dark by then?
brook: So what are we doing? Are we going to do it another day?
Adam: Can’t. Once James gets in to-morrow, we’ve got a really tight schedule. Let’s do some pick-ups for the Gallileo vs Tony Montana scene, and we’ll get back to this when ever the snow arrives.
James enters building, wearing long coat and carrying briefcase. He stops when he sees camera.
James: Oh…uh…hi. You guys filming the movie?…Hm?…Oh, a documentary. That’s good…I, uh, I wasn’t told any thing about this, but, you know, I guess that’s Adam’s perogative…Sorry? Oh, I’m just coming in, yes. Day 3. Well, uhm, yeah, Adam thought it would be a good idea for me to come in a little later. He, uh, he said he wanted to have every thing rolling already, you know running smoothly, when I got here. You know, like when your friends are holding ends of the jump rope, and they’re like (motions turning skipping rope), and then you just jump right in there, and it’s, you know, seamless. I’m so excited, actually. How long have you guys been here?
Adam comes running down the hall.
Adam: Oh good, you’re here. I don’t know what we’re going to do about this fuckin’ guy.
James: Huh? Oh, uh, you mean John F Kennedy?
Adam: No, it’s this brook guy, but that’s just the fuckin’ beginning. How much time do you have?
James: Well, I’d sort of like to put my stuff in my dressing room…
They do not move
Adam: So first this fuckin’ brook guy’s a real idiot, and then all these other actors call in, saying they can’t be a part of it, and then the Archimedes fight scene had to be filmed at night…this is just a fuckin’ mess. I’m so glad you’re here, now.
A Page (or it can be brook if we decide to only have we 3 in the film) comes down and gives Adam a message. Adam looks at it.
Adam: Fuck! Don Cheadle’s bailed out, now, too. Who the fuck we going to get to play Lenard Yooler?
James: Well…why can’t we just get brook to play the part? I mean, it’s just a small one.
Adam: Perhaps I didn’t make clear before hand, that the man is a FUCKING IDIOT. Plus, he’s already playing every one else in this fucking movie, and the less we use him the better it will be.
Adam sees the camera.
Adam: Hey, you weren’t filming any thing just now were you?…Good, good. If I’d said that on the television special, I’d be fired for sure.
Camera turns corner to find James is walking around Adam’s parent’s basement, looking at couch, tables, etc with great interest. Camera comes up to James.
James: Hm? Oh, I’ve never been on a real movie set before. It’s so exciting.
On set for Johannes Kepler meeting scene, day-time. James is wearing a tan jacket, blue hat with police logo, and has longish hair.
James walks up to Adam, behind camera.
James: Hey…uh…Adam, can I speak to you for a second?
Adam: Actually, right now isn’t a good time, James.
James: But it’s really important.
Adam: What could be so important?
James: I was looking over the dailies for yesterday and the day before, and…well, I mean, things look good, of course, but…well…it looks like you guys have been mis-pronouncing Lybniz. You’ve all been saying Leebniz.
Adam: So what are you saying? You want us to re-do all the scenes?
James: Well…I mean…it’s your film, you know…obviously, but is that not an option, because they’re pretty-much all ruined so far. If we can’t even pronounce the title correctly, you know, we’ve got a big problem, I’d say.
Adam: Look, there’s no way I’m doing the Gallileo/Montana scene again. How about we pronounce it Lybniz going forward, and we’ll see how much time we have left at the end? Worse comes to worst, we’ll just dub over all the mis-pronounced lines.
Adam walks into the middle.
Adam: Okay, James, you’re going to walk down there, the camera will follow you. You stop here, and you see Kepler. brook, you walk along here, to this line.
Camera shows lines taped on the ground, to show where actors stand.
James against plain background. On bottom of screen it says James Schultz, Writer.
James: I guess I came in thinking that brook and Adam were professionals. That they would know what they were doing, that they’d work hard to make the best product possible...
Adam: All right, places, every one.
Adam is behind camera is behind James. James begins walking up to meeting spot.
James: We got to try to find some one that can help us, Kepler lives right around here. Hey Kepler, how ya doing?
brook: Yo, Jonesy! Whaddup my homey!
James and Adam both stop and stare at brook.
brook: What? Are we rolling or what?
James: What was that you just did?
brook: Oh, it’s ad-libbing. See, I’m an actor, that just some thing that actors do, you know. It’s because I’m so into my character.
James: Just…just don’t, brook. Stick to the lines, please.
Adam: All right, let’s just take it from the meeting, here. Action.
James: Hey Kepler, how ya doing?
brook: Hey, how yeah doing?
James: Is that what it says in the script?
brook: I don’t know, do you want me to be reading it all the time?
James: Haven’t you memorised it?
brook: Well, yeah, I mean…yeah. But I mean, not precisely, you know, word-for-word. Look, if you want me to read it, that’s fine with me, it’s your movie.
Adam: We don’t want you to read it. Let’s just try it again. (whispered to James) Just try to roll with what ever he says, it’ll go over a lot better.
James: But he should be saying the lines correctly.
Adam: I know, you’re right, but it doesn’t look like that will be happening.
brook: Excuse me, are you guys talking about me?
brook: If you have some thing to say to me, you can say it to my face. It’s not very nice to go around whispering about people.
James: We weren’t talking about you.
brook: ‘Cause if you were—
Adam: Let’s just take it from the meeting, and…action.
James: How ya doing, Kepler?
brook: I’m all right, thanks, Jones, my old friend. I’ve been keeping busy. I’m getting into optics now.
James: All right. I got to talk to you about Lybniz. He was killed in the parade yesterday, you know.
brook: Leebniz? Dead? But only yesterday he—
James: What a minute! I just told you an hour ago to pronounce it Lybniz, not Leebniz.
brook: Oh right, sorry. Lybniz.
brook: Okay, take it from me, then? Okay, I’m ready. Lobniz? Dead? But only—
James: Not Lobniz, Lybniz.
brook: No problem. I got this.
Adam sitting against a plain background.
Adam: You know, originally, brook wasn’t supposed to play Kepler. brook was only going to do the introduction, but things kept happening, you know. Like originally Christopher Plummer was going to play Kepler, but schedules just didn’t work out, I guess. I think that would have worked out better, though, if we could have gotten him.
Back to the Kepler meeting scene.
brook: Leebniz? Dead?
James: I told you, it’s Lybniz, not Leebniz.
brook: Oh... because it says Leebniz, here (points to script)
James goes up and takes a look.
James: No, that’s right. It’s spelled correctly.
brook: It’s spelled correctly?
brook: So it IS Leebniz
James: No, no, no. It’s Lybniz. It’s German.
James: Yes, you remember, we have you on film saying that Lybniz was born in Germany.
brook: Oh yeah, that’s right…in Leebzig.
James: No, no! It’s Lybzig, not Leebzig.
brook: Oh really? because it said Leebzig in the script.
James: No it didn’t, it said Lybzig. It’s Lybzig and Lybniz, not Leebzig and Leebniz!
brook: Hey, I mean, I don’t want to offend you or any thing, but you’re the writer, you should know this: When two vowels go walking, okay, the first one does the talking. L, E… So, Lee… If it were Ly, then it’d be L I…
James: Look, brook: Germans pronounce things differently, and in German, E I makes eye, okay?
brook: What, I’m supposed to know German, now, alla sudden?
Adam sits before a plain background
Adam: Well, we’re on a bit of a tight budget, as you may guess, so we weren’t able to get all the acting talent we would have liked. As well, we had to re-use sets a bit. For example, the Jericho set…
Camera shows Adam’s parent’s fireplace, straight on, Adam hiding face curled up in front of fireplace.
Adam: …is actually—and you can almost notice this in the film if you’re looking for it—it’s actually the same one as the one used for the Fat Albert Dance Sequence.
Camera shows Adam’s parent’s fireplace, to the right of the screen, and Adam and brook dancing to the left.
Adam and James sitting in Adam’s car. Mississauga is out the window.
James: Before we do the scene about the weapon, I was wondering if it’d be all right for us to re-do the Kepler scene.
Adam: Why on earth do you want to do that?
James: Well, after looking it over, I realised there was a mistake in it. At the beginning of the scene, I make a big deal trying to find the Kepler’s name, but then it’s later revealed that I know a lot about Kepler, so it doesn’t make sense that I wouldn’t know off the top of my head that it’s Kepler we’re seeing. I re-wrote the beginning last night, so if we could just quickly do that before we—
Adam: Can’t. You have any idea how much film costs? Don’t worry about continuity errors like that. No one ever notices them.
brook: I noticed.
Adam looks at him through mirror.
Adam: You’re full of shit.
brook: Well, yeah, actually…
Nighttime, outside Adam’s parent’s garage. James enters stage right as officer Jones, brook enters stage left wearing coat. Adam is pointing a camera at the two.
James: Hello, I'm here to see Mr. Bernoulli?
brook: Oh, zat is a sheme. Hai do not zink he iz talking right now.
James: Why not?
brook: Well, ‘e iz dead
James: He's dead? Who are you any way?
brook: I'm Renay Daycarr, I jus’ come to vizit.
James: Look, let's try to sort this out, why don't you come down to the station, and we'll have a little talk.
brook and James exit stage right.
Adam: All right, cut!
James: brook, what was with that scene?
brook: What do you mean?
James: You were saying your lines all strangely.
brook: That’s because I was speaking with an accent. See, it’s some thing we actors do, we put on various accents.
James: I don’t know that you exactly have the accent nailed, actually. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the French would pronounce it Daycart, not Daycarr.
brook: Excuse me, I’m the actor here, I’m the one with accent training. I also happen to be fluent in French. I think I have a better idea than you of how to speak French.
Adam sitting against a blank background.
Adam: I don’t know where he got that accent thing, but he did it for Newton, Montana, and Descartes. We eventually got Al Pacino in to do Tony Montana, because brook’s Cuban was just horrible. We tried getting some one to take over his French, too, but couldn’t find any one. You know, his French accent, that he refused to drop, was so thick it took us thirteen takes to get the Descartes monologue to a semi-coherent point. He tried to convince us later on that he wanted to do Nikolai Lobechevski, but we put the nix on that pretty quickly.
brook sits on a chair beside a computer, desk lamp shining in his face. James sits across from him, writing in notebook.
brook: I nevirr wan’ tuh bee sayntist as chil’, I act’lee wan’ be mil’tary man, despigh all muh school in law. In sistee ettee, I enter servees of Prans Moriss duh Nassau, and all seem tuh be go wuh. But suddenl’, muh min’ was attrected to duh problem a mat an’ sciance.
Adam sitting at a desk.
Adam: You know, we’ve had our share of trials and tribulations, but this movie is coming together, quite well. I just got back the dailies from the Calculus Action Figure scene, and I’m really—
Door bursts open, brook comes in.
Adam: brook! Uh…we’re actually filming for the documentary, right now. Could you just wait about fifteen twenty minutes?
brook: No it can NOT wait. I just got back from the FX Studio, they finished the credit sequence.
Adam: Oh that’s great.
brook: No, Adam, ‘great’ it most definitely is NOT. Do you realise they spelled my name with a capital ‘b’?
Adam: Uhm, well, yeah, we decided to go for an all-Capital look, there.
brook: We had an agreement, Adam. We had a fuckin’ agreement. My name is lower-case, that was what we agreed.
Adam: I realise that, but we decided to put no lower-case letters in the sequence.
brook: That is unacceptable. This is a deliberate stab at me, this is a breach of contract—
Adam: Contract? I’m sorry, was it in your contract to have your name spelled with a lower-case ‘b’?
brook: Well, you know, not the written-and-signed Contract, no. But we had a Verbal contract, a Verbal agreement, and you broke it, and a Verbal agreement will stand up in Court just as well as any written-and-signed one will. And you know some thing else? You can forget about me doing the Jericho scene. How do you like that, eh? Not so smart now, are you?
brook runs out, slamming the door behind him.
Scene in Adam’s parent’s poolroom. Adam as Nikolai Lobechevski is playing pool against POOL MAN. Several women are draped on Adam’s shoulders, and are fawning and trying to seduce, and stuff. James as Officer Jones enters.
James: I’m looking for Nikolai Lobechevski. Is there a Nikolai Lobechevski in here?
Adam: I’m Nikolai Lobechevski.
James: You’re under arrest for the murder of Wilhelm Lybniz. I’m taking you downtown.
Adam: Look, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about. But if it will make you feel better, take this bitch and leave.
Adam offers James one of the women draped over him. James links arms with her, and turns to the camera.
James: Best way to get a girl I ever heard of.
Adam: All right, cut. Are you sure you got that, brook?
brook: Yeah! Don’t you think I know how to point a camera?
Cut to brook and Adam in dailies room. Camera is out-of-focus and uncentred.
brook: I was going for an abstract design...
Cut to Pool room.
James: So why do we need to do this scene again?
Adam: brook messed up the shot.
James: And why couldn’t any of the other actors return?
Adam: Union rules.
James: So when you tell me to take this bitch...
Adam: I’ll be giving you this 2-D wooden two-foot cartoon of a girl.
James: I think it’s fair to say that the point of this scene is ruined.
Adam: What would you have me do? This scene is vital for story progression.
brook sitting against a plain background
brook: I guess my only regret is that I never got to meet Al. You know, they told me they were going to get him to do some work…I think they said he was doing the part of Nikolai Lobechevski. I said to Adam, I’m like, Adam, we’re talking about Al Pacino. This man is a big star. Let’s have him do a more major role, you know, if he’s willing. Some one like maybe, Kepler…or Sporty James…he’s like ‘oh no! Not Sporty James!’ I’m like, let’s have him do Tony Montana. To be honest, I hadn’t been entirely pleased with my Cuban accent, so I thought, you know, let’s give Al Pacino a try. So Adam agreed, and Al filmed it, and he did a stellar job, too. I mean, I might’ve done some things differently, but that’s normal, that’s with all things. A couple times I tried to go up to him on-set, you know, say hi and stuff, but Adam and James were always intercepting me, you know, and not letting us meet. I mean, I heard he’s a big fan of mine as well, I’m sure he would be equally displeased to know that they were keeping us apart. Then Adam was looking for a Nikolai Lobechevski, and I’m like I can do Nikolai Lobechevski. I can do a Russian accent. ‘If it will make you feel better, take this bitch and leave’. See? But I think Adam’s main concern was that I’d already played so many parts in the movie already. I tried to tell him, though. I can disguise myself, that’s what actors do, but he wasn’t entirely convinced, I think.
James is in a sound recording studio, behind the glass are brook and Adam. James is speaking into the microphone
James: There you have it folks. If only the judicial system could be so swift in dispensing justice. S.O.S. Save our streets. S.O.S. Save our souls.
Adam claps lightly, brook nods.
Adam: Very nice, James. I think that does it for you
Adam swivels to face brook.
Adam: Your turn.
James and brook switch places. brook has an obvious piece of paper in front of him.
brook: Norville? But I was told that Norville was…(trying to read)…a uninhabited hick towne. Where every body knows every body else…by their first name. And. Where siblings sleep with each other. Whore we going to see in Norville?
James: Sorry, what was that?
James: It sounded like you said ‘Whore’ we going to see in Norville.
brook: No, I said ‘who are’. May I continue, now?
Adam: Yeah, go ahead.
brook: Well, since the camera isn’t on…
James: What did he just say?
James goes out to area brook is in.
brook: You mean he didn’t do it?
James: What was that thing you just said?
brook: You mean he didn’t do it.
James: No, no…before. ‘The camera isn’t on’
brook: Well, since the camera isn’t on, you think you can tell me a little bit about the weapon in question?
James: Okay, now the thing is, you’re lying in that scene, so you have to make it sound like you’re lying.
brook: I did already. It was subtle.
James: Well try it more like, ‘Well, since the CAMERA isn’t ON…’ or some thing like that.
brook: Well, SINCE the camera ISN’T on…
James: No, no, more like, ‘WELL, since THE camera isn’t ON.’
brook: Well, since the camera ISN’T ON…
Adam: That’s enough from you two. Move on, brook, come back in here, James.
brook: Wasn’t Daniel…Bernoulli the guy…the guy who studied the flow of…fluids?
Adam sitting against a blank background. His twitch is going slightly and periodically.
Adam: I think it would be fair to say I was displeased with the way the Gallileo/Montana scene turned out.
Adam stands before the round table in a suit.
Adam: Fuck! Fuckin’ William H Macy!
brook comes over from off-screen.
brook: Some thing wrong?
Adam sighs, rolls eyes.
Adam: How well do you know the Maestro Fresh Wes part?
brook: Oh, that? That part? Oh yeah, I know that. Very…that is, it’s quite a part.
Adam: Here’re the lines. You’ll be able to read them. Just look them over, and we’ll shoot in five minutes.
brook: Oh, I’m ready now.
Adam: All right. Places.
Adam and brook sit down at the table.
Adam: Sporty James again. We're here with noted criminologist Maestro Fresh Wes, who plans to offer his insight into two of the most prominent suspects. Maestro, if you please.
brook: Thank you, Sporty. As you may have already gathered, there is much to compare and contrast in the lives of two major suspects in this case, Gallileo and Tony Montana. Gallileo was an Italian physicist blah blah from 1564 to 1642. Montana was a—ha ha…
Adam: Uh…Wesley, I don’t think laughter is appropriate.
brook: Sorry, Adam—
brook: Sorry, Sporty, it’s just this—ha ha... whoo! Uhm, Montana was a Cuban drug lord who rose and fell in the miami crime wave of the early eighties. Gallileo was a symbol of battle against authority and for the freedom of inquiry. Montana trafficked drugs. Ha, ha... Montana trafficked drugs...
Adam: All right, cut. Look, brook, you want some time to look over that?
brook: What? No. Why are we cutting? I thought we had momentum, there.
Adam: You couldn’t even get through the lines you were laughing so hard.
brook: Barely even! Don’t worry, Adam, let’s take it again, I’ll do the entire thing straight-faced this time.
Adam sits on the floor surrounded by actionfigures. James comes in.
Adam: You ready to go?
James: You parked in my spot.
James: I mean…the place that you parked…that’s where I’ve been parking.
Adam: So? Who cares? Just take my spot.
James: Well, you were in both, actually. There wasn’t room for me to park on either side. I had to park down the road.
Adam looks up at James.
Adam: I don’t have time for this right now,James.
Adam: You ready? We have to get this done.
James pulls out his script.
James: Just let me practise a bit, first.
Adam: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
James: Well, if we’re pressed for time…
Adam: No, no! Just go ahead and practise. I’ll be right back.
James: Don’t go any where.
James: Look, I’m sick and tired of you treating me like a piece of shit, okay? You don’t let me do re-writes, you let brook do any number of re-shoots, but don’t let me do any. You park in my space, you don’t make brook pronounce Lybniz correctly. I’m sick of it.
Adam: Look, I don’t need this shit from you, okay? I’ve got enough problems with brook and with organising all the shoots, what I don’t need is you harping on me now because I’m not being nice. I’m the director; I don’t have to be nice.
Adam sitting in front of camera
Adam: One of the more difficult things in making a feature film, is, of course, the Special Effects. Now, Cops: The Leebniz Assassination is far from a special effects movie, but even we had our share of special effects shots. There was a shot where time was sped up while Officer Jones was talking about Kepler, but the main effects were dealing with Descartes’ Magic Marker.
brook and James, sitting facing one another on chairs, with a blue screen in the background.
brook: Raydi for a treep sru time?
brook waves the marker at James, who makes freezes for a second, then relaxes, takes off his hat and wipes his head.
Adam (blandly): What about me.
brook: Oh yes, I forgot.
brook waves magic marker at Adam’s camera.
Adam sitting in front of camera
Adam: For Newton’s hat, though, we had some thing more complex. After Newton and Jones leave Newton’s lab, and only the hat remains, that hat is actually drawn in with CG. It was put in as an after thought. Originally, they were both going to just leave, and the hat was going with him.
Adam sitting in front of camera
Adam: Well, we filmed a lot of scenes that didn’t make it into the movie, of course. The scene you see that takes place at the Norville Diner, Augustin Koschii comes in carrying a head, and it’s never explained in the movie. It’s funny as it is, but in the original script there was a scene, and we did shoot this but decided not to put it in the picture, that explains where this head comes from. We call it the ‘Don’t Lose Your Head’ scene. Another excellent scene that we decided to scrap, the alternate ending, was the one known as ‘Newton’s Trial’. The main problem with this scene was that Newton is wearing the santa hat. Late in Post-production, we decided to lose this scene entirely, and to instead just have the santa hat drop, going for a more ambiguous ending.
A room in Adam’s parent’s basement (preferably the one with the fireplace) is set up to look like a crude courthouse (‘set up’ meaning ‘set up with chairs and a table arranged’). brook stands as Newton (with santa cap) behind one desk. Beside brook is LAWYER1. LAWYER2 sits by prosecutor’s desk. James as Officer Jones comes in and stands beside judge’s desk.
James: All rise for the honourable Judge Fermat.
All stand, and FERMAT comes out and then all are seated.
FERMAT: In this century, Sir Isaac, you are to entitled to a trial by your peers. Officer Jones, please announce the jury.
James calls out their names as each comes out.
ARCHIMEDES comes out, then BLAISE PASCAL, brook as René Descartes, PYTHAGORAS, Adam as Lenard Yooler, GALLILEO GALLILI, Adam as Augustin Koschii, CARL FRIEDRICH GAUSS, brook as Johannes Kepler, EUCLID, Adam as Nikolai Lobechevski, and brook as Tony Montana.
brook (as TMontana): Hai ate joo, joo maricon!
As many of these newcomers (in capitals) in the jury as possible should be played by brook, Adam, or James (for Adam’s ones, they should all look the same, for brook’s, they should each have a different hat).
After TMontana’s outburst, the rest of the jury should begin yelling (it would be cool to have a pan across the jury. It’d have to be slow so people could run around the camera and be in position for their next character.
FERMAT: Order, order! Aw, forget it, let’s get him!
All the mathematicians surge on Newton, overwhelm him and beat him to death. While that’s going on in the background, James as Officer Jones comes up to the camera.
James: Mob Justice, my favourite kind.
James thumbs-up the camera, and the scene fades out.
Adam, sitting at desk, on phone. James is sitting nearby.
Adam: They’re what?…Really?!…This is ridiculous, why would they?…That? But come on, seriously?…Okay, okay, I’ll look into it.
Adam hangs up the phone.
James: What’s wrong?
Adam: They’re going to give us an R rating, based on what they’ve seen so far.
James: What? I don’t understand—
Adam: Basically, the reason for it is the Archimedes/Pythagoras love scene.
James: The Steam Bath? What are we going to do?
Adam: Well, we’ll have to get rid of the scene, won’t we? We can’t have an R rating, that will kill us. Our target audience is High School Calculus students. Besides, brook’s acting wasn’t too good in that scene, we might’ve had to cut it any way.
James: Well, how was my acting in that scene?
Adam: Oh, it was quite good. Very convincing.
brook sitting at a table in a restaurant (really Adam’s parent’s basement)
brook: Wha’ joo lookin' at? Joo're all a bunch of fuckin' assholes, meng. Joo know why? Joo don't have the guts to be what joo want to be. Joo need people like me.
brook gets up, staggers around a bit.
brook: Joo need people like me so joo can point your fuckin' finger, meng, and say 'that's the bad guy'. What does that make joo? Good? Joo're not good. Joo just know how to hide. How to lie. Me, I don't have that problem, meng.
People lead brook out of the restaurant.
brook: Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say 'good-night' to the bad guy. Come on. Last time joo're going to see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on.
brook (O.C): Make way for the bad guy. meng. There's a bad guy coming through, better get out of his way.
brook as Kepler, outside, night with James as Officer Jones. Adam is behind camera filming them.
brook: Leebniz? Dead? But only yesterday he—this is hard to believe. Who could have done such a thing?
James: You know, I was helping-hoping you could help me with that.
brook: Personally, I…argghh!! Forgot my lines again.
Adam: Why don’t you just look at them for god’s sake? They’re in your hand just not quite off camera.
brook: Look, let’s just take it all over, okay?
Adam: Forget it, it’s fuckin’ night-time, okay? We’re not doing this bit over once more. I’ll just take the rest of the scene from a different angle, and it’ll look like we did it on purpose. You think maybe you can learn the second half of the scene while there still isn’t light?
brook: You know, I don’t appreciate your tone, Adam. We’re all working our best here, to make the best film we can, and we don’t need your constant negativity when things don’t go as you want them to.
Adam, James and brook in a parking lot, next to Adam’s mother’s car. Camera should be in front of car. brook is standing with the other camera.
Adam: Are you sure you can do this, brook?
brook: Yeah, no problem.
Adam: Do you understand the responsibility you have, here?
brook: Yes, already.
Adam: Why did I have to send every one home for the night?
James: Union rules.
Adam: Hey, what about that other guy who was around here? Maybe he can do this.
brook: I sent him for drinks.
Adam sighs: All right. Let’s try this out. Roll film. Action.
James runs around car, holding Adam, who is squirming and then James throws him into the trunk and slams door. James is laughing histerically.
DRINK BOY comes in and hands brook a pop can. As brook takes it, the camera he’s holding turns drastically to a 45 degree angle. He looks at the can closely.
James: Of course, the real weapon was a gun…
As James speaks again, brook frantically rights the camera.
brook (blandly): You mean he did not do it.
James: Heck no, but a couple nights in jail never hurt any one, in fact, it builds character!
brook: All right…cut!
James goes to trunk and opens it up. Adam comes out.
Adam: We need another take?
brook: No, I don’t think so.
James: Uhm…I think it was good, what we did.
Adam: What was that thing about ‘lime’ I heard?
brook picks up the pop can, and hands it to Adam.
brook: This is your drink.
Adam takes it, and starts drinking.
Adam: Thanks. So you’re sure we got that one?
brook: What, you think I don’t know how to point a camera?
Adam: Okay, well, we still need to do the ‘Adam gets locked in the trunk’ scene, so let’s do that and call it a night.
Adam parks his car in twilight (Dawn), and goes into the studio. When he sees the camera crew is there, recording him, he looks at them and sighs. Then smiles.
Adam: Last day of filming.
Cut to scene of James entering the building (camera is inside at this time). He sort of rubs himself to warm up/wake up.
Cut to scene of brook in dressing room, taking off coat, hanging it up. Pulling out costume for the day.
Cut to scene of Adam testing camera
Cut to scene of James in costume, practising lines
James: …before it’s too late for your dog, your cat, your goldfish…
Cut to scene with brook getting make-up done.
brook: Well now you’ve put too much…
Cut to scene on empty Norville Diner set. Adam is behind camera, he looks up and sees James come in from upstage. They both turn and see brook come in from downstage left. All three stand there, looking at each other.
James: I…I see you left the parking space for me
Adam: Yeah…well, I figured…
They both nod.
brook: So I guess we should…
brook is pointing to the camera. Adam and James look over, then smile grimly. The three go behind the table. Adam pulls out a chair, as the others continue to go upstage.
brook: Aren’t you…
James: No, he…
Adam: That’s right.
brook nods, but he and James don’t go any further upstage.
Adam: I love you guys!
All three hug each other, start sobbing.
James: This was the best movie I ever made.
brook: I’m going to miss you all.
Adam: Maybe we could meet up…do some post-production re-shoots…
brook: Aw, man, my mascara is running, now.
Adam: Well…I guess we better do this.
James: Yeah, okay…
James and brook go upstage and out the door.
Adam sits alone at the table.
Screen goes black.
As credits roll, James’ voice: Sad news ladies and gentlemen. William Gottfried Leebniz was killed to-day, in the math day parade. Fat Albert music starts. Half screen is credits, half is James, Adam and brook doing funny dancing for Fat Albert Dance Sequence.
After credits, Adam in sound room, talking to two or three SOUNDMEN.
Soundman1: So, okay, I think we got this pretty much under control. Music, sound effects, any thing else we’ll need to add?
Adam: Oh yeah, that’s right. Apparently we’ve been mis-pronouncing Lybniz. According to James, it’s supposed to be Leebniz. Fix that up, will you?
Soundman1: No problem.
back to the Vault main menu